When someone calls you or another person “selfish”, is that a bad thing? It’s worth taking a look at what people have achieved when they were selfish or narcissistic, and what people could mean when they call others “selfish”.
Right now, the most popular kid in the country world may be Justin Bieber, who is on the cover of loads of magazines, has videos on YouTube getting watched millions of times, is being interviewed on basically every TV and radio show, and is performing at venues all around the world. He has millions of mostly young fans watching his every move. I could describe more in that regard, but it is safe to say he is doing all he can with his creative endeavor of singing and performing.
It Is Easy To Label, But See Why
Relating this to the concept of this article, anyone could look at him and call him selfish and narcissistic. Almost every single tweet of his on Twitter is either retweeting a fan of his messaging him, with a response, or is about some interview or show he is doing. There is very little that doesn’t relate back to him. In interviews, he always points out that he loves his fans multiple times. This is a way to say that he loves people who support him, which is an indirect way to say that he loves himself and his success.
We May Actually Want To Be More Selfish Too
According to the rules of selfishness and narcissism that some assume to be in place, people should be repelled by this behavior. In fact, the opposite is true. We love people who love themselves. We don’t want to say this because our human nature tells us that someone who seems to love themselves more than we seem to love ourselves is a threat. Most of the time you see someone called selfish or narcissistic, take a look at if the person tossing those words around might have reason to feel inferior to the person they are labeling.
Those Who Don’t Conquer Are Forgotten
We look at the greats of the past like Shakespeare or Columbus or whoever, and we remember the amazing things they did. What we forget is that these are the types of people who were the most selfish or narcissistic. You can’t produce great things without thinking that you are the great person producing them. It doesn’t work that way. Any adult, regardless of whether they show it or not, has a good sense of their status. We like people who don’t show that they have a sense of their status, because we want to believe that their success is not ingrained in their mind, but it always is.
Being Called Selfish Can Be Taken As A Partial Compliment
If someone calls you ‘selfish’, instead of feeling like you made some error, look at if you have taken some action that changed the power balance in your relationship, or if you did something that raised your status. If either of those is the case, you might as well take being called ‘selfish’ as a compliment. The day Justin Bieber accepts some of the rude comments toward him in this regard is the day he stops touring and singing and starts wondering what he did wrong. It is good that he understands this concept already, so that day won’t arrive. Note that I am not saying he is a saint or amazing performer, but am just discussing how he is treated and how he responds.
The greatest creative works are most likely to have come from those who disregarded an irrelevant balance between their work and their relationships. Those relationships they had that were actually valuable were the ones not lost in the process, because there was a mutual understanding of what success takes. Check if you need to be more selfish in how you treat your time and service.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
Armen: Definitely an interesting spin on being selfish and I agree with you that there is a way that selfish translates into confidence. I think the key is whether or not your are exclusively focused on yourself or whether you are confident about what you want and where you are going, but also interested in other people. People are inspired by other people that are confident and if we can allow other people to share in our experiences and be motivated by our success to make their own, a little bit of self focus can actually be a good thing. Very interesting angle and great post. I really enjoyed it.
Twitter: Armen
August 15, 2010 at 7:59 am
Hi Sibyl.
I’m all about bringing an interesting spin to a topic, because my spin is usually not so popular, so bringing my general spin is variety enough.
I see where you are going there about connecting the self-effort to confidence levels, and I see that confidence is a factor.
I guess part of what I was adding here was that we sometimes even want to see people willing to almost step on others on their way to their goals. It is somewhat of a form of confidence too.
Hi Armen,
Interesting topic. I agree in most part what you have written here as it relates to confidence, but believe selfish is the wrong word. For me selfish isn’t related to confidence, perseverance or success. Selfish in my vocabulary means only disregard for others.
I believe Justin Bieber isn’t popular because he is selfish, his success comes from performing for others. Entertainment is about the audience not the performer. So even though he may come across as selfish, it is his selfless act of caring about the audience that makes him popular.
Personally I think a better example of a successful selfish person would be a dictator. That is a very selfish form of popularity, where an individual imposes their ideas on others. A successful entertainer is dependant on pleasing others.
This article in some way relates to a podcast I listened to recently about the perception of self. There is even a transcript of the show if you don’t have time to listen. All In The Mind
I like these thought provoking articles. Great work Armen.
Twitter: Armen
August 16, 2010 at 6:28 am
Hi Martin.
Glad to hear your views here. Selfish sure does usually mean a disregard for others. I’d say what I am bringing up here is also differentiated from this in that there is full selfishness and then there is hidden selfishness that is clearly for the self and against others in the long-term, but seems unselfish in the short term.
Your dictator example makes sense to me. A dictator doesn’t have to follow too many guidelines or social rules, and they can do as they please. Mankind appears to be very against dictatorships because they entail giving power to another person over yourself.
I agree that the entertainers of the world are dependent on pleasing others. I guess there is the time of entertaining and what they do on their own time is of their own business. Valid point.
Cool deal there for linking to that podcast/transcript. I have learned/confirmed a few things through reading it. Comparing cultures is a great way to learn more about both. Self-esteem certainly is approached differently in the US vs. Asian countries.
Glad to hear your thoughts, and thanks for your support.
Hi Armen,
I always love your perspective. Yes, people love to tear down the likes of Justin Bieber. Gossip and slander gives a false pleasure to people who feel inadequate and unworthy. They believe putting others down will somehow lift them up.
People who can truly appreciate Justin Biebers success (regardless if they like him or not) genuinely feel good about themselves. They realize there is plenty of success and abundance in the world and they can have their fair share.
A little “selfishness” is a good thing… anybody who has ever made a significant contribution had to be a monomaniac on a mission. It is their “selfishness” that enriches and inspires countless others.
Twitter: Armen
August 16, 2010 at 11:49 am
Hi Rob.
Thanks about the perspective I bring. I know mine is already not so common so I just present it as it is and it is different enough to bring about some thought.
As you said, I can tear someone down or find out what they are good at and what I can learn from it. Tearing them down doesn’t help me much because it wastes my time and doesn’t help anyone.
I’d agree about a little selfishness being a good thing. More might also be okay but it has to be covered up publicly so that people don’t turn against you. I have seen various folks who make sure to cover up some of their selfish material so that look more modest in public. Others can only handle so much selfishness on our part before they start to shun us in some way.
I don’t think Justin Bieber is being selfish at all – he is promoting himself which leads to sales. In my opinion, being selfish is always thinking/talking about yourself – he thanks his fans, not himself.
Here is my quote – being selfish isn’t thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less often
Twitter: Armen
August 17, 2010 at 12:29 pm
Hi Katie.
I would say that thanking fans is a higher form of selfishness, as it appears to not be at all. That is a lot of what this post was about. There is blatant selfishness, and then there are deeper levels of it. We as people are much more supportive of those deeper levels. If someone brags about himself, people don’t like it, but if someone cheats someone else to make a certain profit(not necessarily talking about Justin here) so that they can spend money on themselves, we call them good at business.
“Thank you my fans” = “thank you those who support me”, which is basically saying “it is about me, not you”. I am not against this, but like to shine a light on the issue.
One other good thing I like is that speedy connectedness of the people through internet and such continues to bring light to issues like this. When someone is selfless in public and selfish behind closed doors, it is more likely to leak out now through some media or source – not always, but more likely.