The title of this post may seem obvious, but it is often the case that we resort to talking condescendingly to others when we want them to change their ways. Although it is already difficult to cause an effect on the actions of others, talking condescendingly towards them, regardless of how appealing it may be in the heat of the moment, shuts off their listening path to your advice. People can feel when they are being spoken down to, and at that moment, they are already out the door mentally.
Avoid The Impulse
If you normally respond quickly with condescending criticism, take this section as a reminder of how it works. It is like purchasing a candy while waiting in a line at a supermarket, as a quick thoughtless purchase. Later on, you might wonder what would have caused you to buy the candy, and then you would remember that you were in line and saw a cheap price for a 3 pack of chocolates or such. The same occurrence happens when someone else makes a mistake, as far as your opinion, and you see a short window of time to force the correction onto them. Keep in mind that doing this is like raising the volume on a radio for a deaf person to hear. You have to be in tune with the situation.
Think About Your Own Failures
When you have failed or made a mistake in the past, what is the last thing you wanted to hear? Since you know others know you made an error, it doesn’t usually help for them to talk down to you like you are of a lower mental ability. You would want them to either provide you with help of some sort, or with empathetic encouragement, as opposed to condescending criticism(alliteration on both of those pairs). The encouragement you would desire would consist of a motivational aspect, as well as a problem-solving or improving aspect, in order to move the process a step forward. This is the same for how people feel when you are helping them.
What Is Your Intent?
If your intent is to build up your self-image in an ephemeral fashion, leading it to drop back down again later, then being harsh in your “helpful” commentary would be the way to communicate. If your intent is to help the person either correct a mistake, or understand how to improve upon what they did, you will want to get on the same wavelength as them, first by not talking as though you are above them, and second by considering the steps they took in their mind leading up to the error. The more you consider their position, the more you are able to help them.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey Armen! I totally agree with what you say here. Usually the natural reaction will be to retaliate, but more often than not it doesn’t work. Unless the person is at a conscious enough state, encouragement is usually a much better motivator than negative criticism.
PS: Thanks for your heads up on my broken link; I’ve fixed it!
Celes: Hey. You brought up a point that I hadn’t mentioned there. Some of our natural reactions aren’t optimal for current times. That is an interesting way to look at it about persons having to be at a conscious enough state to handle more direct criticism.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Your last point is so important. The intent behind things we say can often get lost in the way we choose to say them. Especially if we speak before we really think about our delivery. Our first reaction my be more motivated by the emotions behind it rather than our desired effect. I have struggled in the past with quick reactions to things that made me angry. Now it really try to slow down and think about what i want to get out of a interaction, think about why I want something to change, and thinking very carefully about the words I choose.
Matt: It sure is the case that when they don’t match up, we later wonder why we said what we did. Just like impulse shopping, there is impulse communication that doesn’t involve much thought, which your last point there about slowing down would take care of. We might be responding in a rush or fast pace, but the person on the other end could be at a slow point in their day, and be frustrated by a poorly constructed message.
Thanks for your thoughts.
this site as very good information. I shall return
Check me out on mycomeup.com