This is one of the most heavily overlooked points about helping other people. Let’s say you have the interest in helping a certain person. You can’t help them until you establish rapport with them, showing them that you have concern for them as a person. Until you get to this key step, everything you do to help will bounce off their protective wall, with good reason, because you have not shown them that you value their presence, and are looking to improve their situation.
When you provide someone with what you feel will be helpful information for them, without having established a connection with them, they have no reason to trust you. They will think that you are looking to manipulate them through your assistance, and so any further efforts of yours to remove this thought will appear as more manipulation.
I read somewhere that establishment of rapport is visible when you, and the person you are communicating with, both feel positive about your interaction. WordWeb tells me that rapport means “A relationship of mutual understanding or trust and agreement between people.” You have to reach this point where you are in tune with the other person, as opposed to being on the other side of the fence when communicating with them, which tends to lead to an argument sooner or later.
A point that connects off of this is that, if you don’t establish rapport, you aren’t actually looking to help the other person. This is true as well from the perspective of the person being helped. If someone is acting like they are trying to help you, but doesn’t even take the time to hear you out or try to connect with you on some level, they come off as someone who is not on your side. When was the last time you took advice from someone who was against you?
After rapport has been established, and not before, you are then able to provide a helpful influence as the other person will be open to your message and actions. It is somewhat like they opened the door to their house, and you can now walk in and talk with them on their couch. It would have been difficult to talk with them through the front door. Make sure you don’t leave out this key step when you do help, and if you do leave it out on purpose, check with yourself to see if you trying to manipulate, versus if you are trying to help.
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This is very true. To add to what Armen said, if you do not establish rapport, it is as if one was trying to spot a shadow in a pitch black room. It will not work out. Another good post Armen.
Ramon: I do like the example you provided. I sure wouldn’t be able to spot a shadow in a pitch black room. I wouldn’t be able to see anything in a pitch black room. When we don’t get on someone’s good side when trying to help, we might as well be talking in a closed pitch black room.
Just to add to what you are saying, this is something they try to teach every medical student in the country. It is one of the fundamental skills to being a physician. Many surgeons do not do this and they end up getting sued.
Twitter: Armen
June 16, 2010 at 6:21 am
Hi Mike.
Very cool additional information here. I can understand why this is valuable to medical professionals. Get on the wrong side of someone and they want to sue you bigtime, but if you are on their side, a lawsuit doesn’t make much sense to them. It’s hard to sue someone who is on your team.
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