One of the cruelest things you can do to someone is to negate their potential value before you even give them a chance to show their presence and value. When you step on someone else, you are stepping on a piece of yourself, since we are all cut from the same cloth. Here I discuss why giving others a chance to present themselves to you, before you write them off or label them in some fashion, is a part of social decency. Anything less is uncivilized.
When Talking Politics
This is true regarding many categories. One example is political discussion. Online or offline, political dialogue very often devolves into lowest-common-denominator discussion before each side is able to make a compelling case. Especially on the internet, you will find a lot of quick retorts that would look ridiculous face-to-face. This contributes to why politics is one of the supposed “forbidden” topics to discuss when maintaining light conversation with others, because a general lack of critical thinking leads to a lack of allowing others the opportunity to support their case.
Another part of why political discussion gets so heated is because the level of education of each person involved is showcased, and our human nature gets very defensive about looking stupid to other people, because it makes us feel inferior.
When Playing Sports
It is easy to label random people and write them off as being one way or another, or jumping to conclusions based on one thing you see from them. First impressions are always described as very important, but wise folks keep a look-out for a second and third impression. Let’s say you are playing basketball with some people you haven’t played with before, and one of the players get angry over a foul. You can either then think that person will always get angry for no reason, and think that they have some sort of anger issue, or you can think that it was a not-so-common occurrence, or that the person is just very passionate about the game and doesn’t mean any harm.
The Online World Could Use Some Of This
When you see someone’s comment on a site, or a piece in the New York Times, or some other form of dialogue on the internet, you have to realize that the words you see represent a very small piece of the pie that makes up the whole person who said them. While it is easy to be very harsh to people who seem like they will be harsh back, the wise thing to do is to give each person you meet a chance to present themselves in a professional or cordial fashion. When you give someone a chance to not have to resort to internet anonymity or some other defensive mechanism, they might prove to be someone you can relate to.
In Relationships
Society has seen a decrease in intimate and trusting relationships because most don’t provide much of a chance for their partner or confidant to clear up any issues. Low-level TV shows and popular songs make it look like people who don’t instantly cut off relationships with people that make an error are weak people. We see that some of the loudest voices out there are the ones who get the most attention, so we get the sense that being loud or stubborn with those we deal with is the correct path to take. Being stubborn in relationships and cutting people off after one error seems like it is efficiency-based, but it doesn’t work well with human nature. When you “flow like water” in your relationships as well, you give them room to breathe, and they function smoothly.
Sometimes Enough Chances Have Been Provided
Don’t get me wrong though. If you have given a person many chances to show their reliability or concern or warmth or so on, and they have let you down many times, it might be time to stop giving them so much room to err. If someone breaks your trust multiple times, trusting them again is not such a healthy investment. The same is true if you are showing much more concern for another person than they are showing for you. The best way to show the world you respect yourself is by not maintaining unbalanced relationships that work against you.
The few that give people a real chance to show their worth, while not letting themselves get stepped on multiple times, are the ones who we call “social butterflies” or successful.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: maxaficationize
May 3, 2010 at 2:17 pm
Armen,
I really enjoyed the article. I find that even if the first impression is botched, given a second or third chance we grow on one another over time. I believe online we must engage in issue discussion more than character assessment. Many times there is a story behind the choice one uses to be expressive.
I had an experience this weekend playing in a pool tournament. I was eliminated in the first round of 2 games elimination. It was fun. Later I played the gentleman that beat me and soundly won 4 games straight. He was surprised and asked why I did not play that way earlier. I then explained that I had not played in 6 months and it was just for fun! My estimation as a player rose in his mind. Only because of a second chance and I did not lose my cool. Who wants to play with “sour grapes”.
Here is one of the sayings I use..
“You may lose the the chance of a first impresion. If another chance comes don’t follow it up by losing the second”
May I be as gracious with others. Thanks for the encouragement!
Vonzel Sawyer´s last blog ..Failure Works!
Twitter: Armen
May 3, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Hi Vonzel.
This is true about second and third impressions. First impressions can give us an idea, but they are meaningless without context. Since so many feel that first impressions are to be a certain way, many of our first impressions of others are likely to not be of them in their normal form.
That pool-playing example makes sense. There are many factors like that which are a part of each thing we do, leading to those who mainly use first impressions missing out on some good qualities of the people they meet.
Character assessment is usually a waste of time, while issue discussion always has relevance. It will take people as a whole time before they realize we are all the same “character” at our core.
Your quote there is pretty fitting. Thanks for your thoughts.
Twitter: calmgrowth
May 3, 2010 at 2:53 pm
Every, every, every human being in this world has value!
There’s no doubt about that. In general, I love people. I think everyone should be open to change and to the unknown and spontaneous. Only in this way we can grow.
If you are open to change, then you are open and curious about people who are different. If you are not open to change, you feel fear and resentment towards people who are different.
And that’s not the way I want to live my life. I do not want to live in fear of someone just because he is different person than I am. I want to grow.
I want to learn and to change. Without the existence of different people, there will be no knowledge. Without knowledge, there is no change, without change there is no growth.
Marko — Calm Growth´s last blog ..Moral Tales and Inspirational Stories Website
Twitter: Armen
May 3, 2010 at 5:31 pm
Hi Marko.
I agree with that introductory line of yours there. While we don’t fit with some as well as with others, negating those we don’t fit with is not the way to go. It is only when someone has shown that their character serves to diminish ours that we would do well to distance.
That is a good way you are wanting to live. Fearing others leads us to turtle back further and further until we are in a small cubicle we have created for ourselves. When we meet someone who is quite different from us, at first it is tough to relate, and we might not be able to see through their lens for a bit, but we always leave with a bigger sense of society. The same is true with experiences.
Valid points about growth there.
Twitter: aflourishinglif
May 3, 2010 at 6:42 pm
Hi Armen,
I’m with Marko about being open and curious. Your post got me thinking: why do people judge others so quickly? I thought of lots of reasons, but they all boiled down to fear. We will find trouble in our everyday life if the subtle fears we feel go unrecognized. And they can be very subtle. Before we know it we are shut down and defensive, the result of unnoticed fear.
The medicine is to be conscious of the fear so we can stay open to everything. I think I remember reading somewhere about an intervention for prejudice in the south years ago which was to help people become aware of their fear and learn skills to deal with it. This is a process that can raise compassion in our individual relationships and the world as a whole.
Twitter: Armen
May 5, 2010 at 7:36 am
Hi Gail.
I think you have certainly broken the issue down to a main cause of it. It seems to make sense. That prejudice example sure does ring true because fear of the takeover of some other race is part of it. Fear of losing control is pretty strong.
One other reason that came to mind is that judgment is made sometimes for efficiency when many new people are met at the same time. There still is fear in place in this type of example.
This kind of information leaves me to view all people as connected by our foundation. It is hard to get too angry at someone else for their differences when you see that there is a piece of you in them.
Armen: Such an important topic. It is an easy trap to fall into to tune people out just because we decide that we disagree with what they say. When we are able to push ourselves to see the value in everyone and understand that even though we may disagree, there is always a reason to listen, we open ourselves up to new experiences and realizations. This is how we learn and grow. Great topic and post.
Twitter: Armen
May 5, 2010 at 8:13 am
Hi Sibyl.
It is an important topic. If we don’t give others a chance, we back up and back up until we really don’t have many people to rely on or relate with.
You are right in that there is always a reason to listen. That reminds me of something I read about listening yesterday, about how the biggest managers and executives are also strong listeners. They take in as much input as is helpful to make a better decision.
Thanks about the post.
More often than not, first impression clouds our judgment of other people. Instead opening our minds to the limitations we see, we sum everything up according to what we initially see. This attitude has been the propensity when we are dealing with others.
Twitter: Armen
May 5, 2010 at 8:14 am
Hi Walter.
It sure does cloud our judgment. It always leaves us with some memory of the person that is biased towards that first meeting. I don’t let this be the case, but it certainly takes effort to prevent. The natural tendency, as you say, leaves us with a first-impression view of most of the world around us.
Armen, for me, trust is broken once and it’s over. But if it’s a matter of erring here and there, being incompetent but unintentionally so (at most twice though
), or just not coming through on commitments, I give everyone a second chance and then just decide whether the relationship is worthwhile for both sides to pursue. And sigh does it hurt to walk away sometimes but it must be done. Really though I will work on being kind with giving more chances. You got through to me!
Twitter: Armen
May 5, 2010 at 8:23 am
Hi Farnoosh.
That is probably a solid way to go with valued trust. In that type of case, I would agree with you. Trust being broken is basically a message that reliability is not that high of a value to the other person, unless it was somehow a judgment error on their part, but that is much less common than the error of breaking trust out of lack of concern for it.
That point about how you feel regarding chances for erring on commitments here and there is also in line with the message here. People don’t usually want to fall through on their commitments as well. We are on the same page.
You agree with me? With all of it? I thought we might be in violent disagreement and then we could have a discussion about whether you deserve a second chance and I would think about that while you hold your breath and wait!!!
Oh well. Agreement works too!
Twitter: Armen
May 6, 2010 at 9:13 am
Farnoosh,
Nice try but I only hold my breath for breath-holding contests. Doing it without a contest in place is not my style. Contests sure are great.
Also, me being in violent disagreement with someone is about as likely as finding an iPhone inside of a watermelon.
“And the book was titled ‘The Rare Agreement’.”
I think what you say is valid but unfortunately, most people don’t wish to hear anyone elses opinion because they’re too busy formulating and strategizing their own agenda. It seems to be a path a least resistence trip. “Wow, where is she coming from with that? I can’t relate and therefore it mst be inconsequential at best”.
The reality is, MOST have value if taken within the context of that observer, so to speak. Sadly, we don’t have time to sift through the masses in order to find which could further our own ’cause’.
In the age of information, a new ‘operating system’ is needed, perhaps.
Twitter: Armen
May 5, 2010 at 8:46 am
Hi Athena.
That is true. Listening with an open ear appears to be at an all-time low, which is why the few who really listen are succeeding even more at this time and date.
That path-of-least-resistance concept you brought up does make sense. Some folks see something that is not in their regular routine or thinking, and assume that it can’t be that valuable because they aren’t already doing it(a bit presumptuous), and so they close off to something that could expand their minds and productivity.
I like your point that most have value if looked at from the view of the observer, and each new person we meet has another piece of the puzzle we can make use of or understand. We sure can’t sift through everyone(yet), but we can sift through a small amount of individuals.
Later we might have a search function set up for people instead of websites or Ebooks in that operating system you alluded to.
Good to hear from you.
Twitter: bretthimself
May 4, 2010 at 4:41 pm
I’ll keep my comment short and sweet to preserve its impact:
One of the greatest lessons I’ve learned is that people will always pleasantly surprise you in ways you never imagined. It might not be on your first meeting – so reserve your judgment for as long as possible, as you want to give them the chance to express their value.
Brett´s last blog ..The Love You’ve Always Wanted Is Your Own
Twitter: Armen
May 5, 2010 at 8:51 am
Hi Brett.
That’s a cool thing to keep in mind. I think I would say that that is accurate, as people do end up surprising me at some point or another. We can’t expect a surprise at the first available moment, because then it wouldn’t be a surprise. It does come, though.
Something I’m really starting to understand (on a deeper level): people want to be good. People want to do good things, to do the right things, to feel good about who they are. And that’s noble. It really is. It’s wonderful, but it doesn’t get a whole lot of respect.
To be clear, I don’t buy into the “think happy thoughts, because everyone is special” movement. Everyone -is- special, but not in the superficial way we teach in kindergarten. People are special because they desperately want to be. That’s what we should respect and value and nurture.
Of course, that doesn’t mean people always live up to that desire. Sometimes people fall hard, over and over again, making themselves look like jerks in the process. Sometimes people give up and lash out. You don’t have to deal with these people; you don’t have to associate with them or let them drag you down. But at the very least, give them the benefit of the doubt.
Jeffrey Tang´s last blog ..Do it Better (Armchair Reformers)
Twitter: Armen
May 5, 2010 at 9:11 am
Hi Jeffrey.
Certainly not a lot of respect is given to those who want to do good things. They are often seen as people that can be used. It is important to be strong and competitive when wanting to do good, or else some other person will try to convert your good into something beneficial to them, not concerning with if it damages the good.
You are right that folks are usually special because they want to be. A lot of effort is put into separating from others.
Good call about giving folks the benefit of the doubt when they err or lash out or so on.
Hi Armen,
This is truly timeless information presented in this post. The older I get the more curious I have become about everybody. If we really listen to people we realize what a unique gift they are. There is always something to learn from everybody. Very often the people we are quick to write off have led the most fascinating lives. In my neighborhood there is an eccentric fellow who you might mistake for homeless. With a little repertoire and trust he revealed to me his life story as a musician/ troubadour , having played with the likes of Bo Diddly & Muddy Waters. Everybody’s journey in life is infinitely interesting.
Blessings,
rob
Twitter: Armen
May 5, 2010 at 9:32 am
Hi Rob.
That example you provided is the kind of example we each find when we talk to people, or give someone a chance to showcase who they are. Others usually have more to them than we would assume at first. We sometimes forget that people have gone through thousands of experiences that are at least somewhat different from the ones we have gone through, giving them a different view of the world.
Lot of people worth getting to know out there, like Rob White“
Hi Armen,
I really enjoyed reading this post. I’m one of those people who gets a little emotional when talking politics. It’s something I am working on fixing.
I read somewhere, good communication starts first with trying to understand the other person, then with trying to be understood.
Twitter: Armen
May 9, 2010 at 3:48 pm
Hi Martin.
Politics sure is often a heated discussion subject. We come in with our set point about immigration or federal funding or trade pacts or budget deficits, and the person we are talking with has their set point, and there is often little compromise if any, during the discussion.
That is true about good communication. It won’t usually work out where someone will directly say “you communicated well”, but they will say that in other terms. It is hard to lose by listening.