Whether it is when speaking with your coworkers or friends, or writing online, or communicating elsewhere, you benefit greatly from saying what is on your mind. A lot of elements in society lead us to limit what we say, and while they seem logically correct, the various reasons I mention in this article counter them. Hopefully this will have a positive effect on your relationships if you try it.
People Already Have An Idea Of Your Thoughts
People are more intelligent than we normally assume. Most people think they are above average in intelligence, which can be taken at face value, but this probably means that most people think many people they meet are below average intelligence. We tend to put ourselves up on a pedestal in various ways. On a recent episode of a late night show, the host pointed out that he unreasonably thinks he will get good cards when playing poker, even though the odds say that he will get good cards just as much as the next person.
Seeing as how people know a lot, they likely have a good sense of what you are thinking. Very few people put out enough effort in to completely hide what they are thinking, and those that do could have spent that effort taking whatever they are doing to the next level anyway, which is why most people who hide what they are doing only do so partially. Therefore, others see your partial hints and messages, and get a sense of what is really on your mind, so there is little value in then putting out effort to prevent this.
You Can Get Feedback Now
When you say what is on your mind, you get feedback for your real thoughts, instead of feedback for your falsely or not-at-all presented ones. Feedback is only valuable when it links to what you are actually doing. When you get feedback that is based on a false image you have presented, it is basically worthless. It is like getting advice for how to write up a legal document when you’re actually planning to do your taxes.
When you say what is actually on your mind, like that you are nervous about an upcoming meeting, any advice that you get will be targeted to that type of experience, like that you could prepare questions that you want to ask, or that you can go 5 minutes early to get to know one of the important individuals that will be there. This type of advice only comes when you specifically say what you are thinking about. Trying to outsmart others is often a great way to hold yourself back from getting somewhere worthwhile.
You Will Relieve Tension
It takes quite a bit of mental effort to hold back from saying what you are thinking. You naturally want to say what is on your mind, and then you have to expend energy to first not blurt it out, and then possibly say something else that is not exactly what you are thinking. You have to think of new fake thoughts in the latter case.
Then, you might worry that people can see through what you are saying or not saying, and that leads to more mental anguish. It isn’t an enjoyable process. This can be circumvented by not going through the process in the first place, and you will then be more relaxed and able to absorb whatever feedback comes your way.
Some People Will Be Much Better Able To Relate
This is one that you really can miss out on when you don’t say what is on your mind. If you want to discuss traveling plans, but hold back for whatever reason, you might miss out on a real valuable discussion with someone else who wants to discuss plans, or who might want to join you on a trip, or so on. This is a case of where you don’t know what you would have missed out on until you try.
The best types of relationships are the ones where both parties feel a sense of good and openness from each other, and end up finding some similar feature they are glad to discuss and/or experience together. Saying what is on your mind is a huge factor in facilitating close bonds.
Walking The Talk
Just for entertainment and to relate with what I have written here, I will say various items that are on my mind. I look forward to my plan for an upcoming post about various site-writers and commenters here, along with another freestyle I would add with it. Just as I write that, I think about how it is not such a good idea to point out what I will present before it has been created, because it affects motivation. I know from what I have seen that the best businesspeople never point out what they are going to release before it is basically already finished. What they do is create something, letting people know they are excited about creating something along the way(without providing details), and then when it is near done or completely done, start announcing it to build up hype, and then release it. This works best from the smallest businesspeople to the billionaires and their companies that many are fans of. Hype is a big deal. It should not be, but human nature has some faults that are taken advantage of through hype, so it is worth taking into account. There are a lot of features about business that are garbage, but the people who use them become successful, and the ones who don’t use them end up going out of business, so the garbage tactics remain and thrive. You could call this the evolution of business. Try and find an advertisement that says “You’re not going to pay $5. You’re not going to pay $10. You’re not even going to pay $15. You can get our product for the high price of $20.05. The quantity is unlimited so there is no rush to buy.” Nope. The good thing is that an unstoppable increase in transparency is squeezing out manipulative tactics one-by-one(in my perspective). Also, an educated populace is an important part of keeping businesspeople from using lowest-common-denominator tactics.
I could obviously keep going, but there are some of the thoughts that were on my mind. It takes a bit of fearlessness to say what you are thinking, but it is always worth it. You quickly learn where you were wrong, and gain support from folks who think similarly to you. I’d say to increase how often you voice your real opinion if you want the results presented in this article
photo credit: markhillary
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: calmgrowth
May 6, 2010 at 6:27 pm
Good points, Armen…
In a book about sales I once read that people always have two reasons why they do not buy something – one that sounds good and one that is the real reason… It is passed on to many forms of communication. So, many of us say what we think it’s nice to say, but is not true…
I agree that speaking directly and frankly has a lots of advantages. Of course, it should be moderate and reasonable, as with everything in life.
I love this how you “Walking the Talk” at the end.
.-= Marko — Calm Growth´s last blog ..Interview with Kevin Jacinto (Baker) =-.
Twitter: Armen
May 7, 2010 at 10:09 am
Hi Marko.
That is a cool point about the two reasons why people don’t buy something. That is true for a lot of what we see. A person gives a reason for why they do something publicly, and then they have their real reason. Most can see through the fake reason, so it isn’t usually worth much, and if you feel like you have to provide a fake reason, that is like failing at life, because if you get away with it, you are the only person that gets to remember that you couldn’t handle being direct about the issue.
Thanks about the ending section. I could go on for a very long time with messages if unedited.
Twitter: maxaficationize
May 6, 2010 at 6:29 pm
Armen,
You provoke the thought says seek counsel with false information, you force your mentor or counselor to counsel in return a lie. Sometimes we want to be so accepted and thought of in a positive light that we don’t appreciate the value of a starting place. In other words you only gain true value or appreciation from that which speaks for you when your words are no longer being heard.
Interesting thought about hype. I tend to think of hype as empty bravado. What I thought you spoke of was more of expression of anticipation base on a solid chance of expectation. Not guarantee or risk free but a “earnest” value towards the expectation.
Well just some thoughts!
Vonzel “Maxafier”
Twitter: Armen
May 7, 2010 at 10:14 am
Hi Vonzel.
That first line of yours makes some good sense. Giving someone false information leads them to give you a lie for your current situation. They have no other choice.
Yeah, hype certainly is more about that emptiness. You are right that I was referring more to that expression of anticipation. I’m also not much of a fan of that, but it appears to be the smooth way to keep motivation in place. It does help to gauge the reaction that will arise, and hear if there are any objections.
Good to hear your thoughts.
Armen, as I was reading your post I kept thinking, well, how would this ever go over in Japan, where people have been trained since childhood NOT to say what is on their mind, and huge effort is made to say what you think the other person wants to hear, no matter how great a lie it may be for you!
Does this create a false structure within society? Absolutely, and for a straightforward and direct communicator like myself, it has been an often painful lesson. While I do not say something false simply to please the other person, I have learned to pause before speaking, which has taught me to more honestly examine my motivations for saying something. I am grateful for this training, as I see it, in developing depths to my character and interactions. We need never lie, but we don’t need to immediately blurt something out, either. The key, I think, is to remain attentive and aware whenever we communicate, and this includes both listening and speaking skills. Being authentic and honest means being compassionate, too. And even in Japan, this compassion can sometimes include ruthless directness when necessary. I recognize that living in Japan has taught me an entirely new set of communication skills.
Thank you for your thought-provoking post – it feels good to drop by your blog again, Armen. Come and see what samurai horseback archers are up to in this part of the world if you have time.
Morning greetings to you from the mountains of Japan – Catrien Ross.
.-= Catrien Ross´s last blog ..Catrien Ross on Hitting Your Target at Full Gallop – Personal Growth Inspiration from Samurai Horse Archers at Mount Fuji =-.
Twitter: Armen
May 9, 2010 at 4:02 pm
Hi Catrien.
That is no good about how that is in Japan as you described it. It works well to keep people from voicing their opinions. I assume there is some cultural support behind it, but I can’t see much good coming from being expected to keep thoughts in the mind quiet. The only way this makes sense is that it makes it more likely that people will take action on their thoughts. If that is the case, then it can be a valuable way to go. Culture is one thing, but humans around the world have the same foundation.
From what you said about it creating a false society, that isn’t so great. I sure don’t like elements of a society that seems false. I like that you analyze the culture you are in as if from a 3rd party perspective. That is where lots of learning happens.
I will gladly stop on by.
I want to be one of those people who can think and say what is on my mind, but I’m not their yet. When I do, it can create conflict that isn’t really needed. Let me explain.
Personally, I think some of reason I don’t say what is on my mind is because their is a gap in what I think and what I believe. Often resulting in me saying what I believe is the right answer, and not what I am thinking.
This is taught at school, children are taught the correct answer, but the correct answer doesn’t always reflect what the child is thinking. So the pupil will give the answer they believe is right, but secretly they may think another answer is what the teacher wants.
Some people have mastered the ability to think and believe congruently, and don’t upset cause conflict when they disagree; they are great communicators. They are able to disagree with people without being offensive. People understand them and can follow their reasoning.
Twitter: Armen
May 9, 2010 at 5:04 pm
Hi Martin.
There are very few that get to the complete stage of saying what they want, but edging toward there is beneficial.
Interesting point there about the gap between what you think and you believe. It takes some recognition to make that kind of an analysis. I might think that Y and Z are good ideas, but I might only believe in Z.
Congruent communication is valuable. When your thoughts blend smoothly with what you are doing and what your intent is, there is much less internal anguish in trying to explain to yourself why you are thinking or doing something.
Twitter: love_existing
May 10, 2010 at 8:02 am
In line with Catrien’s post, where she talked about how difficult “speaking your mind” can be Japan, there exists a similar mentality in Thailand.
When dealing with a superior, it is highly discouraged that you not present your own ideas on a situation unless expressly asked for them; God help you if you should happen to disagree with someone in a higher position.
The whole attitude is, in my opinion, both counter-intuitive and counter-productive. I believe independent thought and the expression of those thoughts should be respected and rewarded.
It takes great courage to say what is truly on your mind.
Jay
Twitter: Armen
May 10, 2010 at 10:03 am
Hi Jay.
That certainly is some material to take note of. There are some instances where a superior might have reason to not want input when he is providing output, but I get the sense that this is limiting to subordinates. The good thing is that counter-productive concepts get weeded out over time. The time frame can be very long, though, if it is a cultural concept.
It sure does take big courage for that. I’d say that almost everyone holds back on saying multiple things they would want to say.
Twitter: gurutalks
May 10, 2010 at 10:11 am
Hey Armen…you are absolutely right, people know most of the time what to speak but suppress and don’t say..but the idea what a man is about to speak to another and suppression — both are visible to another person. So better is to speak more to what is in one’s mind..right!
I got your link from Henrik blog. Please let me know how often you write the articles.
.-= Guru Talks´s last blog ..Words for Eyes & Magic of Eyes =-.
Twitter: Armen
May 10, 2010 at 10:46 am
Hi Sandeep.
I like that you mention that both speech and suppression are visible to others. We can’t really hide that much, so when we do, others basically know what we are hiding. There are some cases where this is not true, but people can feel when something is up.
Thanks about telling me where you heard of the site. I post about 2-3 articles a week.
that’s right Armen, one of the main reasons for frustration is suppressing our thoughts, we should say what comes to our minds but of course without hurting someone
thank u
Twitter: Armen
May 11, 2010 at 11:28 am
Hi Farouk.
This is true, and we should also be okay with potentially hurting others sometimes, because if we completely avoid this, we end up avoiding some of our expression.
Wonderful post, Armen. In addition to your article, I think being able to speak your mind takes a lot of courage. You should be prepared to hear a lot of opinions that are different from yours. It also takes open-mindedness to be able to speak up. This is important to remember because you won’t be able to experience the beauty of exchanging ideas if you are not open-minded. And lastly it takes a lot of humility to be able to speak up. This is because people won’t always agree with you and your opinions. And if you don’t have humility, speaking up might be a traumatic experience for you.
.-= JM @ Calgary Psychologist´s last blog ..The Art of Becoming Human =-.
Twitter: Armen
May 11, 2010 at 1:08 pm
Hi JM.
Other opinions sure do come our way. If I like Asiago cheese, and mention that, suddenly there will be others who don’t like it so much, and I have to be ready for that. Asiago cheese bread sure can be good.
To speak up takes a certain lack of concern for the consequences. They have to be conquered by fearlessness, or else we won’t speak up. If someone is scared to speak against the practices of a corporation like Sony or Coca Cola, they will not get their word out, and the practices will continue regardless of whether they are appropriate or not.
Hi Armen,
On an extreme level, I have a dear friend that is battling cancer. And ever since his dire prognosis a real freedom has come over him. It is a freedom to speak his mind. This is new for him as someone who has spent his life suppressing thoughts and emotions. In facing death he can see how silly it is to do so. It is a great lesson for everyone. There is no need to wait until we are approaching 70 and faced with mortality to make this switch — we all have the power to do it now. Thanks for this post and I hope I am not too extreme in my example, but I think there is a valuable lesson.
Twitter: Armen
May 12, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Hi Rob.
This is one of our problems as people, when we don’t respond until some terrible event wakes us up. I might think John or Chris or whoever is wrong, but until something happens, I’m too afraid of the consequences of saying they are wrong to actually say it.
We think that we are gaining some advantage by holding back on saying certain things until they take care of themselves, but they never take care of themselves, and even if they do, we were not a part of it, so we feel weak for not having taken part.
All those people who had some bad event happen to them today did not have it as an item in their to-do list.
Awesompe post Armen. I resonate well with this quote you state here, “When you say what is on your mind, you get feedback for your real thoughts, instead of feedback for your falsely or not-at-all presented ones.” The reason I believe this is true, becuase I just seem to get a much better feedback from others, when I say what is in my head at that moment, because like you say, they can probably read what you are thinking of most times anyway. As a matter of fact, a good example for me is, I changed the whole placing categories each blog post, because I felt it was much better to just let my words flow out of me, and it seems to have worked out well.
Twitter: Armen
May 13, 2010 at 11:08 pm
Hi Baker.
Thanks there.
People sure can read into what we are thinking. Most people know what I have in my mind even if I don’t mention it exactly. It is a cool feature.
That is interesting that you changed that habit of placing categories. Sometimes some little thing that we do limits us heavily, and others didn’t even notice that it was having such an effect. Frankly, others don’t notice that much of what we do except for whatever the main thing is.