“Just be yourself” was said by the talking cliche. If it was so easy or casual to do, the quote wouldn’t exist. There are many struggles associated with “being yourself”. Here I discuss this concept, any related ideas that come to mind, and maybe my favorite color.
Being Your Loud Self
For some, the “yourself” in “Be yourself” is a person who likes to be loud. A loud person runs into struggle when dealing with others who either want to be louder or don’t like loud folks. In these cases, the original person can take the risk of offending another person or not take the risk and just be quieter. In this instance, being yourself means not being quieter.
Being Your Leading Self
For another person, the “yourself” is a person who wants to take charge of situations because he lacks trust in others to do as well. This person always has a dilemma at hand, whether to take charge or to stand back so as not to make others feel inferior or not trusted. All the great rewards come with taking charge, but that inner battle has to be won before it can occur.
Being Your Opinionated Self
Take another person who is opinionated and likes to call others out on their errors or falsehoods. To be herself, she has to voice her concerns and messages in the face of looking annoying or rude or petty or any other array of adjectives. When you call someone out on someone you don’t agree with them on, there will almost always be some tension there. Folks don’t change up their opinions that often, and so a disagreement represents a potentially long-term difference of thinking.
There’s nothing easy about feeling that tension or having to deal with some harsh words from the person hearing the opinions. If Chris tells Mike that a certain habit of his is a waste of time, and Mike feels like it is a fine use of his time, Mike might let it go at that time, but could later think Chris is clueless for his viewpoint. Chris can ignore his inner self and not comment on how he thinks Mike’s habit is a waste of time, but then he will become weaker and have lower self-esteem. We build self-esteem by being ourselves, and lose it when we provide a false image to others.
The person who seeks to provide their opinion in the face of future humiliation might get mocked or insulted or ignored for a time, but eventually, people will realize that their opinion is really theirs, and will not have as much ammunition against them. People can only attack you to the degree that you are not sure of your own actions. If you are 100% into what you say or do, like in providing your opinions, it is very difficult to tear you down. This is because the attacks on you will be on your real self, and so you will fight back with all your power, as opposed to them being toward a fake image you created, in which case you might only fight back at 30% of your ability because your fake image is not that representative of you.
Being Your Distant Self
There are folks out there who are only mildly interested in occasional group activities. A person of this type can be more sociable than he likes, or choose to only engage in certain activities that she would enjoy. Going to group functions when you are not interested is okay once or twice, but if this process is repeated, it will tear down your self-esteem. There is only so much you can do that is not appealing or fitting to you. If you like to be alone at the park or while putting out effort or learning something, it is up to you to defend this. It can be a struggle turning people down, but you will be maintaining your actions in relation to your thoughts or desires.
It Is A More Difficult Path To Not Be Yourself
The thing is, though, that when you don’t present yourself as you are, you make others temporarily happy or glad in some way, but your self-esteem gets reduced a notch at the same time. It can work to fool others, but you can’t fool yourself, because when you are doing something that is not fitting to you, you will get that feeling of dissonance, and you will remember that you are doing it for someone other than yourself, which then leads to thoughts that you value others higher than yourself, which makes you feel inferior. This doesn’t mean you are inferior, but your brain has nowhere else to go with the logic.
If you and your desires are most important, are there certain parts of yourself you would show off more?
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: eduardsays
June 3, 2010 at 12:03 pm
Hey Armen,
You make a good point that we have many sides, and expressing yourself is really about putting all of those out, instead of repressing some of them. I think that the most important way to achieve this is learning to take risks. When you can risk upsetting people, or not being liked, you are free to put yourself out there.
Twitter: Armen
June 3, 2010 at 1:12 pm
Hi Eduard.
We sure do have many sides, like a polygon, and so it is up to us to show them. If I am partially, I should make jokes, like by saying that there are about as many people who are lively in public as there are people who eat broccoli regularly(low #).
Risks are worth every penny, and they don’t even cost a penny. Sometimes they cost more though, but that is beside the point.
Hey Armen, I like the ending of this post. It kind of reminded me of who I was in high school as I often would go out of my way to please others. In college, I was pretty much the opposite and I believe some people may have thought I was and cold, reserved, and maybe even sarcastic even though I was just being my introvert self.
Towards the end of college, I began to find a balance. This made me happy because I was myself and respectful of other people, but didn’t go out of my way to please people (as much as I did in high school).
All I can say is if you are not yourself, not only will your self-esteem be lowered but you will feel miserable inside as well. Being yourself may not please everyone, but it can bring you happiness inside and that’s what really matters.
.-= Hulbert Lee´s last blog ..Kim Maglinti – Blogger and Creator of Mindset Success Coaching (Interview) =-.
Twitter: Armen
June 3, 2010 at 1:46 pm
Hi Hulbert.
Going out of your way to please others can be enjoyable for a short bit, but then it starts sucking on your energy resources. Some probably didn’t realize what type of person you were in college, as is the case with many, but the few that do get something great out of the interaction.
That balance part makes sense, because it represents a point where you bring yourself in front much more than you previously did, and you see the toll being so denying of self and accepting to others had.
I agree with that about feeling terrible when not being yourself. If things are going okay when not being yourself, it is bearable, but when things aren’t going well, and you are not being yourself, it is like a double loss and it feels like a waste.
All valid here.
Twitter: calmgrowth
June 3, 2010 at 6:15 pm
Hi Armen
An interesting topic you have chosen… I’ve been thinking a lot about all this, and here I want to express my opinion.
My opinion is that to “be yourself” is not really possible to achieve…
Why?
Well, “I” am not the same from moment to moment. I’m different from moment to moment depending on the situation and my decision.
I will explain with a short example.
Let’s say you behave politely in a situation at work. Someone upset you, but you forgive him.
Then they returned home, and find out that your printer broke down. You call the repair service for printers. They tell you that they will not fix your printer. Totally frustrated you start the argument.
These are some two ordinary situations that happen to everyone. But if you’re at work acted calmly, and with service providers angry, what is “yourself” then????
My answer – You are both. “You” are what you are acting in the present moment. If you are angry, then you’re angry. It is “yourself” at that moment. If you’re calm at that point, then you’re calm.
I sometimes act silly and smart. And yet I am not silly nor smart all the time.
The main mistake is that people are trying to define themselves. “Themselves” is what they do or not do at a certain moment….
I hope you understand me Armen.
Thank you for allowing me to express my thoughts. And thanks for this article, I hope there will be a lot more of them.
Warm regards… Marko
.-= Marko — Calm Growth´s last blog ..The Current State of Personal Development Scene — Part 3 =-.
Twitter: Armen
June 4, 2010 at 8:17 am
Hi Marko.
This is good stuff. I do understand what you are saying.
There is that “yourself” that we currently are, and then that “yourself” that we see in ourselves from our recent or distant past. The “yourself” we were long ago is still partially in us, although it may be held down a bit.
I do see what you are saying about letting go of the past self, as it is not exactly what we currently are, so that it wouldn’t make much sense to strive to be like it.
On the other hand, our personalities don’t change much over time, but how we respond to them can change. A person who wanted to be quiet in public situations 8 years ago will most likely still want to be that way, and with the understanding that their self is more relevant than seeming a certain way, they can now present themselves more accurately. There are some internal problems we don’t solve for years because we assume something is wrong with us, when it is actually the lack of support from others that is influencing us towards maintaining the problem.
Relevant extension of the topic here Marko“. Good to hear from you.
Hey Armen,
Nice post here. I write a lot about in my blog about being true to who you are. These are great examples you provide with some of the struggles that come along with the territory of keeping it real. If me and my desires were most important I would say just taking more pictures as visuals to share with others would be great. I sometimes forget how visual people are as well.
Twitter: Armen
June 4, 2010 at 8:22 am
Hi Baker.
Taking more pictures is a fine example. Maybe that desire is there in you but others don’t see the value you see in the process. It is easy to say “okay I will not take pictures then because people think I’m too concerned about the memories”, but then later you want to have the pictures and they are not there. Ignoring any possible comments toward your taking of the pictures is the way to satisfy yourself, which then makes you more able to make others happy in return.
Armen: I think this is a very important topic and people definitely need to get comfortable with who they are and be able to express their true self. I think when you do try to hold back on any part of your natural personality or try to change who you really are, you risk being able to be authentic. And, if you can’t be genuine or authentic, it is almost impossible for your real strengths and light to shine through.
Twitter: Armen
June 4, 2010 at 8:24 am
Hi Sibyl.
That sure is the case. When you hide what you have, you end up losing your chance to show what you have, and while there may be opportunities for that later, the initial ones will be gone.
Presenting a false self is always a short-term process.
Twitter: aflourishinglif
June 4, 2010 at 11:41 am
Hi Armen,
Haven’t talked to you in a while!
In this post, you are asking the essential question: Who am I? As other people have said here, these moods and identities come and go. If we look inside for the angry person or the distant person, we will find thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations, but we won’t find a “thing” that is an angry person or distant person. So if life is made up of passing thoughts, feelings, sensations, and there is no actual identity of a person, then who are we?
The only thing that is stable, that doesn’t change, is life itself. We are alive, we are aware, we exist. This is where we all meet as one. All identities eventually dissolve, and all that is left is life flowing and the one heart opening endlessly.
I know this is beyond your post, but this is what came up for me when I read it.
Twitter: Armen
June 6, 2010 at 12:25 am
Hi Gail.
Good to hear from you as well. That question sure is partially in the piece here. Is the person we are the person we are right now or the person we were? I think that it is worth maintaining some of the self of our past. I know that there are aspects of me that have diminished over time, and that I seek to replenish, but I don’t make it my priority to return to having the exact same specifications as I once did.
Life sure is stable. We can count on that. The way you describe life is pretty cool.
Glad to hear these thoughts and I am on the same page here.
Hi Armen,
This post came at a good time for me. I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to improve myself. Reading self help books and the like. In doing so, I think that I’ve forgotten to explore who I am, and appreciate myself.
I need to look at the changes I’m trying to make and ask if they are part of who I am, or am I just trying to be somebody else, or please somebody else. I need/should be working on becoming the best version of myself and not myself(ver 2.0).
Your article makes me want to learn more about personality types, and how it effects my thinking?
Twitter: Armen
June 6, 2010 at 12:27 am
Hi Martin.
That is cool that the article fit well. Oprah even said that an old teacher of hers told her that she didn’t change, but that she became more of herself. Each of us has a “myself” that is very distinct, and when we promote that self, we do very well, and when we hide it, we do very poorly.
I like making people think“
Hey Armen, I talked about this recently and you touched also on the aspect of people pleasing There is so much liberation when you don’t just do things at a surface level to please others and you really go with what you feel supports your own values. It’s like the old adage of dancing as if no one is looking too. A very powerful message!
Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last [type] ..Spirituality IS NOT A Separate Area Of Life
P.S. I’ve been meaning to say for quite some time how much I love your ‘Sites’ page!!
Amit Sodha – The Power Of Choice´s last [type] ..Spirituality IS NOT A Separate Area Of Life
Twitter: Armen
June 8, 2010 at 9:36 am
Hi Amit.
People pleasing is about as valuable as painting over a green leaf with green paint to increase the level of sunlight that is absorbed. Any efforts made to please your own self will later please others anyway, so they are where the focus must be.
Your point about dancing as if no one is looking is a cool one because I do that sometimes.
Thanks about the Sites page. I check it out too sometimes. I put the a good chunk of it together in one big effort-filled rush.
Twitter: twentieslife
June 11, 2010 at 6:56 am
I’ve found that the easiest way to be yourself is to define the perfect you then consider that image with every decision. It’s still a struggle, but at least the goal is to always be your best self.
Thanks for this awesome post, pal!
Ibrahim | TwentiesLife.com´s last [type] ..5 Ways To Be A Hero
Twitter: Armen
June 12, 2010 at 8:37 am
Hi Ibrahim.
This sounds like a smooth way to go. We pick that we want X Y and Z, such as them being 4 friends, to be bold in public, and an engineering career, and then we go for those 3 things. No one can stop you when you are on a real mission, as it is only a matter of time.
THat’s is so true! So many people find it as a struggle by being themselves! I bleieve it’s by what they think society will define them as! That’s very true in what you presented on this article! Thanks for an awesome post!
Tyler J.Logan´s last [type] ..What I am Currently Learning About Manifestation (Guest post) by Baker Jacinto
Great article! It’s hard to find your true self in a mess of mix messages from society.